It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
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