batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
