I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Randomize
