i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Randomize
