Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
Ya, why?
We should try that some time.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Randomize
