i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
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I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
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I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
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