I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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