You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
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