you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Randomize