My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
