remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
