shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
