I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
