there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
