I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
