I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
