my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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