I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
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