got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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