i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
