I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
