I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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