My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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