you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Randomize
