People in love make me want to vomit
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Randomize
