theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Randomize
