She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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