part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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