mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Randomize
