We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
