I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
