I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
