wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
