it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
she told me i tasted like america
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
