worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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