I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize
