He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
