I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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