Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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