So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
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