if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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