Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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