doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
