90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
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