So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Randomize
