Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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