I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
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