Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
