Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
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