you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
