Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
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you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
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I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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