We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
