from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Randomize
