I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I just blew my weed a kiss
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
