I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
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