She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Randomize
