i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
