It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
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