The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
