genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
