Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
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There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
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You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
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