Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
