I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
