I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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