Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
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