I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize
