i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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