I'm jealous of your bromance
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Randomize
