Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
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