I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
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